hello, i'm back again after being away for such a long time. it wasn’t because i was too lazy to post anything on my blog; i was just too busy with my final year of university. as for leaving my university life behind, i didn’t feel sad about it. not even in the slightest. if truth be told, i'm beyond glad that i’ve finally left it. it’s true that some people enjoy meeting new people and gaining various new experiences during their time at university, but unfortunately, i’m not one of those people. i did very well in my finals though and even managed to get my name listed on the dean's list every semester. yes, i'm truly, honestly, very grateful for all the remarkable achievements i’ve received so far in my studies.
not long ago, around may of last year, i was clinically diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) and BPD (borderline personality disorder). i've been struggling with anxiety and depression for as long as i can remember. back in my high school days, i would have panic attacks before going to school. i would also have sleepless nights before mock tests or big exams, along with endless negative thoughts about everyone being against me. there were also days when i felt completely alone, hopeless, and empty. things got worse when i started harming myself. sharp blades, bandages, and itchy, fresh scars became too familiar to me.
when i entered my third year of university, i became extremely depressed again. i was prescribed the full dosage of SSRI (200mg of sertraline) and benzodiazepines (2mg of lorazepam) for my sleeping problems due to anxiety. not only that, i also have to attend monthly psychiatric appointments and counseling sessions at the hospital. just to make things clear for you all, SSRI stands for selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. they are a type of drug mainly used as 'antidepressants' in the treatment of major depressive disorder, anxiety disorders and other psychological conditions.
honestly, i'm still suffering from the side effects to this day. i'm still having headaches and always feeling sleepy. the only good thing that has happened since i started my medication is that it has 'organized' my sleep schedule.
during my study week in my last semester, i was 'psych-warded' because i had a major relapse. i stayed in the psychiatric ward for almost two weeks. it wasn’t as bad as i thought it would be. everyone in the psych ward was so nice to me, including the nurses and doctors. i even made some new friends there, lol. however, if i had to complain about being in a psych ward, i would complain about the strict and stern rules. you can't wear undergarments and are only allowed to wear your hospital clothes every single day. you can't touch or use your phone except in certain circumstances, like contacting your family members. you're also expected to sleep early, finish your meals, and take your medications before bedtime. all in all, i'm still happy that i got discharged safely and am very grateful that i'm still here, fighting for my life.
one last important thing i would like to share in this post is none other than my upcoming teaching practicum! it starts around 27 march 2023, and i will be teaching at smk seberang jaya, penang. i'm not sure about my preparation as a practicum teacher, but i do hope that everything will go as smoothly as possible. on top of that, i also hope that my scholarship will be credited to my bank account very soon. i honestly need some extra money to cover my rental house fees and other personal necessities. life is hard without money, right? again, wish me luck, guys! i guess that’s all for now. thank you for taking the time to read my new post! i will try to give you guys more updates in the future, inshaAllah. goodbye!
